From the Files

Shortly after George W. Bush was sworn into office in January of 2001, beginning what can now aptly be described as his "reign of terror," I wrote a piece that went unpublished. In truth, there weren't many outlets for a piece like this; I tried the "Shouts and Murmurs" section of The New Yorker and got a nice handwritten note saying they liked it and I should try again in the future. I rather liked this piece, too, which imagined a "conversation" by instant messaging between the newly inaugurated president and then Russian president Vladimir Putin. It's a bit dated, but as the Alfred E. Neuman presidency comes to a close, it's nice to think back to those early days when there was something funny about the idea of a goofball from Crawford, Texas assuming the role of leader of the free world. Of course, as you survey the wreckage of the USS United States he isn't so funny anymore.

In the event, here is the column that never ran:


The advent of Instant Messaging (IM) promises to improve the Moscow/Washington "hot-line," established originally as a telex link to help avert nuclear war, as evidenced by this exchange on the evening of January 20, 2001.

vputin007: privyet, mr president. i see i am not only one who cannot sleep. let me be first, on behalf of soviet people, to say congratulations on soviet-style election victory :-)

dubbya2: and let me be the first to say there have to be con-se-quences.

vputin007: what is dubbya2? some kind of tax form? :-)

dubbya2: very cute. i thought i read somewhere that the soviet union doesn't exist.

vputin007: my mistake. u r correct. ussr not on map, but lives in hearts and minds of countrymen. like florida.

dubbya2: thank u for clarification. there still have to be con-se-quences.

vputin007: foreign minister eager to know where next russian ambassador should be posted, washington or tallahassee.

dubbya2: i will check with secretary of state katherine harris™.

vputin007: what happened to colin powell. he sang at republican national convention, no?

dubbya2: my mistake. will check with powell.

vputin007: we have much to discuss. pls. visit moscow at first opportunity.

dubbya2: can u send directions?

vputin007: yes, but easy to find. look for golden arches. ( ) when can u come?

dubbya2: will check with laura in a.m. what do we need to discuss...to have a con-ver-sation about?

vputin007: russian government very concerned about many things. especially school voucher program.

dubbya2: school voucher program!?

vputin007: just kidding! :-)

dubbya2: you had me there for a minute vladimir.

vputin007: please, call me mr president, mr president. is what I call u. :-)

dubbya2: ok, you don't have to get snippy about it. texas is an informal place.

vputin007: yes, but we r not in texas anymore r we, toto?

dubbya2: who is toto?

vputin007: little dog in favorite movie, wizard of odds, about jimmy the greek.

dubbya2: wizard of odds?

vputin007: just kidding again mr president! :-) is little dog in big american movie about people who hide from tornado in bomb shelter which brings me to big upset.

dubbya2: what's that?

vputin007: u know. big upset. major concern. large worry :-(

dubbya2: yes, yes. i know what an upset is. don't un-der-esti-mate me. what is your big worry?

vputin007: missile shield to protect states with 271 electoral votes.

dubbya2: u have nothing to fear from a missile shield. all the best scientists say it won't work.>>>(>>>=ΩΩΩ

vputin007: then why u.s. of a. prepared to spend 100 billion on it? is a lot of caviar.

dubbya2: good question. will ask rumsfeld. he is my wizard of odds.

vputin007: if u.s. of a. builds missile shield russia will have no choice but build many more missiles. ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆. look like hershey kisses, no? how would u like to have big hershey kiss planted on Austin? :-)

dubbya2: don't mess with texas :-x

vputin007: conversation not leading anywhere. seriousness of situation not appreciated. :-(

dubbya2: what situation?

vputin007: situation between russia and u.s. of a. russia going down proverbial toilet. needs help of u.s. of a. to avoid plunger.

dubbya2: i can have agriculture secretary send vouchers redeemable at golden arches ( )

vputin007: there will be consequences.

dubbya2: r u threatening me, mr president?

vputin007: maybe instant messaging not best way to communicate.

dubbya2: what else is on your mind?

vputin007: baseball.

dubbya2: what about it?

vputin007: u big baseball man. russia would like expansion franchise in irkutsk. lots of baseball fans in irkutsk. short season though. ground thawed only two weeks in august.

dubbya2: so u r talking about some kind of, what do they call it, cul-tur-al ex-change pro-gram?

vputin007: nyet. am talking about moving milwaukee brewers to irkutsk. players can freeze baseballs off there :-)

dubbya2: i'm afraid i can't help you there, mr president.

vputin007: call me, vladimir, george. moscow very informal place.

dubbya2: i will put u in touch with bud selig.

vputin007: is he dog in beer commercials?

dubbya2: no he's the commissioner of baseball. like czar.

vputin007: what does he think of missile shield? :-)

dubbya2: i never asked him.

vputin007: just think for cost of missile shield you could have alex rodriguez play secretary of treasury. hah! :-)

dubbya2: it's been a long day, vladimir, and tomorrow I have to start my new job :-)

vputin007: what is new job? mr cheney's valet? hah! :-)

dubbya2: very funny. job of being president of all the people. so far only american league fans r on board.

vputin007: well, sleep well, mr president. russia sleeping very well at moment but don't wake bear.

dubbya2: i won't. i always sleep in pajamas. g2g.

vputin007: me, too. have meeting of top military brass in one hour to discuss putting IM in missile silos! good idea, huh? like r u 486. ttyl :-)