Thursday, September 18, 2008

Lipstick and Pigs

“You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” Barack Obama, September 2008, referring to President Bush’s policies.

“You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” John McCain, October 2007, referring to Hillary Clinton’s health care policy.

Memo to the Presidential Campaigns from the Committee on the Use of Politically Correct Language in the Presidential Campaigns.

Since candidate Palin mentioned that she wears lipstick (after unflatteringly comparing herself to a vicious breed of dog), any use of the word “lipstick” by the Obama campaign is hereby decreed to be a sexist attack against the candidate, regardless of context and regardless of the exact same use of said unmentionable word by John McCain referring to policies of Hillary Clinton.

Similarly, the Obama campaign is hereby warned against using the word “bitch” to refer to (a) female dogs or (b) as a substitute for the word “complain,” as in “stop bitching about the food.” Any use of this word will be now be taken to be a direct attack against candidate Palin.

Also now off-limits is the use of the word “cosmetics” since said word could be used to suggest lipstick. Even in other contexts this word is forbidden. For example, the Obama campaign may not say, “the differences between McCain’s policies and Bush’s are purely cosmetic” because the clear implication is that Sarah Palin is a pig.

It is further ordered that the Obama campaign refrain from use of the words “lip” and “stick” since either could be interpreted as code for a secret attack on candidate Palin. For example, the Obama campaign may not say to candidate Palin, “bite your lip,” or “we should stick to discussing issues that really matter to the American people such as the $10 billion we are spending a month in Iraq while the economy goes down the tubes.” Nor should the Obama campaign suggest that when it comes to the $400 billion budget deficit rung up by the Bush administration that we are “going to stick future generations with the bill.” Clearly, such statements are way outside the bounds of proper political discourse.

Now, as for the McCain campaign, we would like to point out that Barack Obama is African-American. To be more precise, he is half African-American and half Caucasian. Therefore, we are making the following rules for the McCain campaign.

The word “shade” is hereby forbidden since it can be used in a derogatory way to describe an African-American. Thus, the McCain campaign cannot accuse anyone of “shading the truth” since that would be a direct reference to candidate Obama’s heritage. We also suggest that candidates McCain and Palin refrain, while traveling on their airplanes, for example, from saying “will you shut the shades so I can sleep.” That would be racist.

And any reference to the popular dairy product known as “Half and Half” is similarly off-limits for reasons so obvious we don’t need to explain it here.

All references to primates of any kind are forbidden because there was a time when African-Americans were compared by some racists to some of those primates. Accordingly, candidates McCain and Palin may not say, “I was just monkeying around when I said that I have foreign policy experience because Russia is near Alaska.” Also to be avoided are phrases such as “I have to get that monkey off my back” (even if in reference to said $400 billion Bush budget deficit) or “Trooper Wooten went ape-shit when I tried to get him fired.” Those will be seen as direct insults to candidate Obama.

The McCain campaign also may not use the word “black” in any way, shape or form. Thus, they may not refer to their own senior campaign advisor and one-time lobbyist for some of the world’s most repressive dictators as “Charlie Black,” or “Mr. Black,” even though that is his name. To avoid confusion he must always be referred to as “Mr. Senior Campaign Advisor and One-time Lobbyist for Some of the World’s Most Repressive Dictators.” To avoid any possible insult to candidate Obama, no one in the McCain campaign may use phrases such as “dark night,” “black cat,” or “in the black,” even if referring to a moonless evening, a household pet, or a budget surplus (try finding one of those these days!) It is also recommended that no one in the McCain campaign listen to the rock classic “Whiter Shade of Pale.”

Thank you and may the best “man” win.

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